Sterling RR - 5/8

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rmazzola
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Sterling RR - 5/8

Post by rmazzola »

In a word: EPIC or UGLY - go ahead and pick one because that's how my race went today.

Checked the WBZ radar before leaving the house and saw this mass of red and yellow moving Northeast across central mass. It looked like it would hammer Sterling at about 8:30 or 9:00am. So I figured I was good for the M45 time slot. Nope - not even close.

We just made it up the hill after the neutral roll out and under I-190 when babooom....lightening, thunder, and rain that came down so hard that it hurt and completely blinded me (and the caravan drivers I came to find out later).
We're hamering down Hayden Row and Old North Row Rd and there are torrents of water with sticks, leaves and whatever else was on the shoulder but was not getting pushed into the road. With each passing kilometer, I'm dropping back further and further within the field because I couldn't see a damn thing and didn't dare take my hands of the handlebars to take my Rudy's off. Lightening is flashing all around and now I'm seriously thinking..."wow - I'm gonna die out here".

Before I knew it, we're turning onto Rt. 12 and I'm pedaling through 12 inches of water out of that corner and the field is pulling away from me. I stand to accelerate and feel the water being squished from my shoes and gloves. I now weigh 15 pounds more than I did before the race started. And that was that. I couldn't bridge on the uphill section after the turn and road 3 laps before calling it a day.

On a brighter note, Len Engels stayed near the front and survived to complete the race and probably scored a top 10 or 15 for his efforts. Got some good pictures of him in the thermal blankets as he became the poster child for hyperthermia.
I'll post those later. :)
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rusto
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Re: Sterling RR - 5/8

Post by rusto »

Rolled out from the school in a steady rain. Whatever warmup I had done beforehand was sapped out of me on the way over to the start. As we climbed up Rowley under 190, I dropped my chain -DOH! I was able to get it back on without stopping but lost many places doing so. So I started picking my way forward through the pack, avoiding a considerable number of wobbly cyclists. At one point, I pulled off my sunglasses and traded the fog and droplets obscuring my vision for dirt and crud going directly into my eyes.

Managed to work my way the front 1/2 of the pack on the way to where Rte. 12 passes under 190, when I thought I heard Doran say something like "When is somebody going to do something?" (asked him later, it wasn't him). I was talking to John R the other day about possibly being a "rabbit" to tease some riders into expending energy early in the race.

Well, moments later, I was near the front of the pack, so I opened it up a bit on that long descent on Rte 12. I kept it at 28 mph as far up the incline on 12 back towards downtown as I could and the pack finally passed me by. One of these days, I'll get some sense and sit in with the pack for the whole race and save my adrenaline for the finish.

I spent the first half of lap 2 on my own, trying to determine whether or not I could make it through 3 laps. At the midway point of lap 2, on Rte. 12, I didn't feel as spent as I did earlier so I started the hunt for people I could catch and pass. There were two guys up ahead that I started to reel in until I got to the start/finish when they pulled away and then three more people passed me.

So me and these 5 other guys bringing up the rear had our own little race for 44th (there were only 36 in the field) place during the final lap. Every time there was an incline, they would catch and pass me, but over the top, they would sit up and I would pass them again and get a lead on the descents.

As we went Rte. 12 for the last time, I was able to hold a good lead on the others until a slow-moving Cadillac appeared right at the turn onto the finishing climb. The cop there frantically waved him on as I shouted, "GO! GO!" I was right on his bumper when he finally hit the gas and got out of the way. The other cyclists caught up to me at this point and I was sure they would pass me. I lost all sense of self and became only lungs, legs and bicycle for the next 100 yards. Of those 3, only my bike was in good working order.

The cheering section on the way up was a great help and somehow I managed to stay ahead of the others. 30th place! ;)

The rain really came on at that point, cold faucet only, for the ride back to the school. It was a miserable two miles. Took the better part of an hour to stop shivering!
Last edited by rusto on Tue May 11, 2010 8:06 am, edited 2 times in total.
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pace21
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Re: Sterling RR - 5/8

Post by pace21 »

I've never actually experienced "face pain" while riding a bicycle -- until today. Descending those roads on the back stretch of the course the first lap at 30mph with marble sized raindrops incessantly pelting us and literally 2 bike lengths of visibility was -- I don't know, can't think of an appropriate adjective right now :o (I swear the raindrops felt like hail). My face is red right now and it feels like a sunburn, I guess you could call it "rainburn" :)

It was a rough day for me. It started with a mechanical (dropped chain under 190 on first lap, then I jammed it all up trying to get it back on). This led to me chasing back solo for the next 5 minutes, finally catching the group on Heywood after weaving through the chase cars TdF style. I think the biblical rain actually helped me here as the group slowed allowing me to catch on, and also everyone was tentative so I was able to move up many spots with some less-than-perfectly-sane maneuvering. Finally caught back up to the MRC contingent halfway down Rt 12. Pretty uneventful next lap, but the third lap was a different story.

Having used up many of my matches on lap 1, the third time up the finish hill was pain cave time for me. The group split, and I managed to *almost* stay with the front group of about 30 or so. I say almost because I was still dangling 50 meters back approaching North Row, but the rest of the group was a good 300m back by then. This was exactly the point when all hell broke loose. Being mentally and physically defeated by going into the red for 3-4 minutes trying unsuccessfully to catch back on, I slowed up and decided to wait for the next group. I turned around to check the distance, and right then I tucked the front on the white stripe. I slid with the front wheel turned 45 degrees, stabbed my left foot down hard into the ground, then the rebound from that sent me swapping back the other way where my rear wheel ended up directly next to me. I actually had time to think, "well at least I scrubbed off a little speed before going down". Somehow I managed to save it, and I even got a thumbs up from the motorcycle rider who was behind me and saw the whole thing. Unfortunately I managed to flail my foot into my rear wheel during the fracus (sp?), hard enough to warp my rim and crank my caliper clean over to one side, enough so that the rear wheel was dragging hard. I couldn't loosen/recenter the caliper by hand, so I waited for the SRAM guy to stop and fix it with an Allen key.

My day was done at this point, but luckily :roll: for me I had to be at the furthest point away from the school, making for a very long, cold trek back. I was plenty satisfied though, thinking of how things could have ended very different....

Funniest thing that happened to me today -- I was marshalling the afternoon races on Route 12 and 3 people went down on the white stripe right near me. Nobody was really hurt, but one of the 3 happened right in front of Stefan W. in a chase car. Stefan stopped in the first lane with his flashers on to help scrape the guy and his bike up. Not 5 seconds later a lady comes flying over to me and frantically yells, " Hey, call the cops! That guy just ran into that cyclist and knocked him down!"

--- Chris
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Re: Sterling RR - 5/8

Post by Smudger »

Yes truly epic conditions today.

Rolling out at the front of the 4s with Rob, Stefan and Chris as seen in the pic was realy cool but the rest of the race was cold. Everyone has mentioned it but the rain and lack of visibility during the thunder storm on the 1st lap was incredible. I decided to stay at the front of the race to stay out of trouble and also cover any breaks cause the weather significantly improved the chances of a break sticking. I was glad I made that decision. The 3rd time up the hill a young (19 years old)UNH guy takes of and disappears. His acceleration on the hill and subsequent TT ability was very impressive. The chase was the usual disorganized cat4 thing. 4th time up the hill and things were getting thinned out and we were starting to move. Shortly after the right turn at the top of the hill a pace car passes. I thought it was just pacing us as a chase group but then slows right down. We are on top and around it before you can do anything. We keep on going in a group of 8 or so. It turns out they were trying to neutralise our race as wewere being caught by the 45+. Coming down 12 the pace car pulls up beside us again and asks us to pull over and let them past which we do. We start racing again and I pull up the rise towards the green. We turn onto the hill thinking "good" one more lap with this small group we should be in good shape. Young Tom Gougen who was racing really well starts sprinting and racing past the 45s who are riding steady. I'm scratching my head at this point Ron and the Team CF support crew are chearing him. Turns out they had cut a lap from the race and Tom got 2nd. Great result for him. Total confusion ensues especially when the rest of the field who were neutralized earlier cross the line. After all was said and done I got 5th which I am pretty happy with.
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Re: Sterling RR - 5/8

Post by RFollansbee »

Wow - the worst conditions I've ever purposely rode my bike in. Contacts and torrential rain do not mix - I thought they were gone a few times since I couldn't see. The second to last lap I could feel hypothermia coming on - nausea, massive shivering, etc. The climb up the hill the last time helped warm me back up but when the field got neutralized I was done. As soon as we stopped pedaling my body locked up. Thank God for Chad and his car at the bottom of North Row. I owe you big time for the warm car. Thanks again. Congrats to John - he was strong the whole race.
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Re: Sterling RR - 5/8

Post by taudep »

Racing today reminded me of skiing as a kid in the Cascade mountains: It was wet, very cold considering how warm it was, and the visibility descending was minimal.

The Cat 5 35+ race was pretty uneventful. Everyone rode fairly safe considering conditions. I saw a couple guys almost go down as their bike wobbled back and forth, but somehow they managed to keep it upright. There was also your typical singleton shifting lines without looking almost taking out everyone, but I learned to keep away or in front of him. You wanna know what’s nerve racking? Descending that twisty hill (my GPS unit says we hit 37 MPH) tightly formed without much visibility. I did the whole, one eye-closed, open the other eye, squint, reverse, close the other eye thing as a firehose of water and road grit was shot into my face like some James Cameron special effect.

Anyway onto the racing action. We road around the course three times, I kept waiting to get dropped on the hill. But it never happened. I stayed in a good safe position and never really had to work very hard. The second to last time up the hill I just sat in about 6th place and rode up Meeting House seated and feeling pretty comfortable. I wanted to leave some in my tank in case anyone attacked up the false flat and the little hill that goes under 495. The attack never came, or if it did, it wasn’t very definitive (nor hard to cover), so we road the rest of the lap grouped together until the Dunkin donuts. That’s when some guy went off the front from Velo 545. And everyone waited a second, then Jeremy took off and it was on. As we climbed that final incline before coming to the base of the hill, I moved outside an positioned myself around 4th or so for the final sprint climb.

I accelerated into the hill, and shifted my front chainring down to the middle ring. I stood, applied power, and bang, my chainring shifted down into the granny gear up front (Yes, I have three rings, it’s how the bike came, I know no better). I tried shifting the chainring back up to the middle ring but my fingers were too numb and couldn’t apply pressure properly and then I worried about having a total misshift…so I sprinted it out, spinning like a mad man up the hill (or more like Fred Flinstone starting his Flintmobile) getting passed by four or so riders. I was bummed because I could actually power up that hill pretty nicely in the right gearing.

I settled for 9th. I’m not disappointed. First time finishing in the top ten. First time earning upgrade points. And the third race in a row that I’m showing finishing consistently. I keep entering the race expecting to get dropped, but now it looks like I’m settling in to the top 25% of the peloton regularly.
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PJ McQuade
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Re: Sterling RR - 5/8

Post by PJ McQuade »

Exciting reports. John and Todd awesome finishes, esp. considering the brutal conditions! I was marshaling past the finish line - great spot to watch all the "suffer faces." Funny thing - I'm under the officials tent before the cat 5 race thinking "Perfect, I'll stay dry here!, maybe they'll want me to help with results or something." Not so fast, Kristen, from USAC, sends me off to my post up the road exposed to the elements (a river was running over my feet at one point). I couldn't believe that 10 minute deluge during the 4s race - a miracle there was still a group left after that. The masters/cat 4 fiasco at the end confused me so it must have really thrown you off, Smudger.

The afternoon races seemed to have the "best" weather, though for the most of the cat 3 race I was blinded by road spray and dirt (my vision was fuzzy last night from it). One thing that helped was our field was around 70 - much more managable than the larger a.m. fields in the rain. The biggest difference I'm seeing in the 3s is that the first lap/hour, depends on the race, is very fast and aggressive right out the gate. Then just when you hit that breaking point things seem to settle in. This occured on lap 2 when Brian W from CCB (won Quabbin) fledged an attack, taking a few guys with him. He basically owned us. From what I'm told, he pulled some questionable stunts with the pace car though. There were quite a few teams in the field but no one bothered going after him. 7 laps is a lot and I definitely lost track of time and space in the process. After lap 5 I was hoping we had 1 left but I wasn't sure so I asked another rider and he said "3 to go." Now I'm cursing myself, but obviously he didn't know either. Most laps I would move up in the pack on Meetinghouse Hill and the rollers afterwards but then fall to the back on rt. 12. I realized this was only a waste of energy, so at the start of lap 7 I just made it a point to hold my ground toward the front through rt. 12. As we approached the common I was maybe 25 back. I didn't have a sprint left at this point, but most guys were in the same boat so I was able to more or less spin my way to 16th place. I'll take it.


Final chapter in my novel, hats off to Bill and Ian - you guys were always checking on the marshals and kept this crazy day in tact. Very organized.
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Re: Sterling RR - 5/8

Post by ddeitch »

That UNH kid who won the 4 race was a classy rider. First thing he did after finishing was ride to where we had parked the pace car and thanked us. Much appreciated.
Wish I could say the same for the 3 race.
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Re: Sterling RR - 5/8

Post by swawersik »

Nice ride all - especially to Smudger, whose great showing carries a very high "Jens factor."

My day was missing some Jens-ness. It started off great, all things considered. I felt kind of frisky on the first uphill just after the start and stayed in the first 3-4 wheels the whole way up. The was mostly to keep the spray out of my face, but was the first time I've ever been sitting happily that far forward on any climb. Things changed quickly when the deluge came. Rob, Chris and Smudger have all described it, but you had to experience it to believe it. I was having trouble breathing because of all the water in my mouth.

I sagged the first time racing up the steep part of the climb, partly planned and partly because my feet felt like wood blocks and it hurt to stand. I got a bit freaked that I'd gone too far back when I heard the race moto behind me. Driving follow for the pro/1/2 race later in the day, I realized that the race moto is a.) loud and b.) often not at the tail end, so I may not have been as far back as I thought. By the top of the climb, I didn't feel great, but was hanging in.

Later that lap, I hit a reverse pothole on a downhill section (it was like a big brick sticking up in the middle of the road). I thought my back end felt a bit odd on Rt. 12, and by the time we were going up the hill again, was convinced I had a flat. When I pulled off to check it, the tire felt a little soft but OK. Rich (driving the wheel car) pulled over, but didn't think he had any Campy cassettes in the SRAM wheels, so I figured I'd just keep going. When I got back on, it felt like the tire was definitely soft, so I flipped around and rode back to the school, put my bike in the car, and got into dry clothes ASAP.

I figured I'd have a tire to change last night, but discovered that the tire was, in fact, fine. Essentially, I'd talked myself into a flat tire...

The take home:
1. If you ride Campy, carry a flat tire kit to ensure that you can get home if you flat out.
2. Negative self-talk is a very powerful thing. Beware of it.
3. Scotsmen really are tougher than the rest of us. Must be the kilts...

ps. Congrats to Todd and Jeremy on great finishes as well - see you soon in the 4's
Last edited by swawersik on Mon May 10, 2010 11:07 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Sterling RR - 5/8

Post by pace21 »

Just finished re-assembling my drivetrain... Took the bike out today and it was making some FUNKY sounds. I guess chapter 2 of any good rain race is dealing with the aftermath...
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Re: Sterling RR - 5/8

Post by rusto »

pace21 wrote:Just finished re-assembling my drivetrain... Took the bike out today and it was making some FUNKY sounds. I guess chapter 2 of any good rain race is dealing with the aftermath...
I spent 3 hours cleaning/lubing/tuning my bike today, it's never been such a mess!
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Re: Sterling RR - 5/8

Post by Len_E »

Theme: Survival of the Foolish
"You're 48 years old, you have 3 little kids, a job that requires you to work, think and show up and you could have seriously injured yourself riding your bike in a blinding rain storm!?!" exclaimed my wife after I was 45 seconds into the description of the 45+ race. And this was well before I mentioned anything about hypothermia and being unable to brake because my fingers were frozen to the handlebars.
Well, if you put it that way...
The descriptions in the posts above very accurately capture the misery of the hours in the saddle in lovely Sterling. Yet, I can't help but add the perspective of a relative newby to racing who placed himself in a position that could have done real and lasting damage.
I'm not a terribly stupid person however I fully understood the dangerous situation I continually placed myself in on the first lap (and subsequent laps). Riding 25 miles an hour in a torrent of rain that limited visibility to about 3 feet, made the roads indistinguishable from the dirt and grass on the side of the road and actually hurt my eyes despite the fact that I had glasses on. I could not take my hands off the bars to adjust or remove my glasses for fear of losing total control, I could barely brake because my fingers were already numb (and stayed that way throughout the race) yet I could not stop pedaling when the guy in front of me pedaled.
Why?
There was no exhiliration (what often drives people to do dangeroulsy stupid things), there was no hint of glory as a result of this silly act as I didn't think for a minute that I could podium and there was almost no reason to continue.
I started and therefore I had to finish. Not a good enough reason according to my wife.
The misery of this race is truly beyond description. The wet. The cold. The necessity of maintaining the pace which made you colder. This was a race where you actually looked forward to the miserable climb because you knew it would warm you just a bit. You also knew that the next 15 minutes would be torture as your body tried desparately to warm itself while you diverted that precious energy to the demands of the pace.
And then there was the hypothermia. On the last lap I could not brake. I had lost the ability to shift a lap earlier and stayed in a big gear the rest of the race. The only thing that saved me were my winter booties and wool cap, both soaked but still effective. Strategy was reduced to doing everything possible to stay in touch with the lead pack Nothing more was really possibly because you couldn't think or talk. The race ended with very little fanfare. The pack had been whittled to 40 or so desparate riders and only 20 made any real attempt win when we got to the last climb. And then it was over. All that misery just to cross the line.
Yup.
As Russ mentioned, the two mile ride back to the school was utter pain. My body felt like it was being squeezed by a python as I tried unsuccessfully to fight off full-body shivers that made riding a bike impossible. Struggling off the bike at the school with the help of another rider, I dragged my carcass into the registration area and slumped into a chair shivering uncontrollably. Rich, Lynn and Todd came to my rescue and slowly brought me back to life. Having managed Brevet riders, Lynn recognized the symptoms of extreme stupidity and wrapped me in silver.
Within an hour I was safely and warmly at my marshalling post with Matt watching the Pros and 3s pedal under relatively clear skies. Ian and Mark came by with pizza and coffee and I was in heaven.
Thanks to Rich and Todd for seeing the humor in my hypothermic state and to Lynn for saving my life.
Ian and Bill, you ran a great race under conditions that will remain in the memories of the 500 riders forever. We all owe you a lot for running such a good event.
-Len
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Re: Sterling RR - 5/8

Post by RPerson »

Report from the wheels car:

I've told many people before that as a bike racer, you should at some point jump at the opportunity to drive the lead or follow car for a race. Not only is it a whole different view of what's going on, but if you have an official with you, you really get to see what they are paying attention to. I thought I'd be doing this whole routine again on Saturday until we had a bit of a counting error on support vehicles and Bill threw out the idea of me turning my truck into a wheels car for one of the 3 fields (for each wave of races). Sounded fun so the SRAM guys threw about $10k worth of wheels in my back seat (it was so hard to not make a break for it) and we were off. I had the cat 4 women in the morning, the 4 men in the mid-day, and the pro women in the afternoon. Without giving a blow-by-blow of my day, let's just say the stress level went up as the day went. I caught myself at one point in the afternoon thinking "Holy S! The women's field is down to 7 and includes 2 women who race internationally and one who is well on her way to being there (Anna). Even though they were told I was not an official support vehicle, you bet your ass that if they get a flat, they're going to be expecting me to get them back in there FAST." Fortunately that never happened and I instead got to watch Mo Bruno Roy who we had left for dead TT her way back to the field just in time for the finish. Amazing race for the women all around.

I think the final count was 5 wheel changes and I had to drive 3 broken bikes/racers back to town. Fortunately nobody who needed a wheel was in much of a hurry ;) Even though I was high and dry in the car, the conditions were as epic as described. Following the cat 4 race on lap one, the cars literally could not see anything. We got a call on the radio from the lead car saying "Uh, anyone have a suggestion... these guys are up my arse and I literally cannot drive any faster than this because I cannot see." I'm sure I would have dropped off the back of the pack just from being scared to death riding in that deluge in a pack. Huge kudos to anyone who hung in there. Even though I drove a total of 120 miles around that course I don't think it was even close to riding one lap :)
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Re: Sterling RR - 5/8

Post by taudep »

Race photos of the Pro/1/2/, Cat 3: http://doublehop.blogspot.com/2010/05/1 ... -club.html
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Re: Sterling RR - 5/8

Post by swawersik »

RPerson wrote: I drove a total of 120 miles around that course
While following the men's Pro race, I noted something: you get unbelievably good gas mileage driving at 20-25 mph. 80 miles and the needle on my gas gauge barely moved!
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Re: Sterling RR - 5/8

Post by Doran Abel »

Cat 5 (35+) - Taud and Rusto covered most of this race. I was someone between the two. Feeling good on the climbs and really in groove on the back rollers on lap 2 until . . . . on a downhill my left calf seizes up. (Taud - that is what I yelled out.) I manage to self massage on the downhills enough to keep going and then I warm back up on the meeting house accent. Then on the back rollers on lap 3 in happens again, but worse. I thinking, this is it, I am done. I start dangling off the back of the lead group trying to keep the motorcycle in view. Somehow, manage to get back on the group on a rise just before the Rt. 12 corner. I had nothing left for the little Rt. 12 rise before town and then the final accent - but got a very generous same time by the home officials at 22nd (must have been 15 - 20 or more seconds back really). I will take it considering. The rain my have been a blessing for me in some respects by washing the tree pollen out of the air. Glad I wore my leg liners or my calf would have blown even earlier I suspect.

Like everyone else - shaking uncontrollably on the ride back to the school and nearly run over a dog. Then back at the school trying to warm up and I notice it has mostly quit raining. I watch the Cat 4's and Masters ride off and think they are going to have a decent ride. Then a few minutes later the deluge of biblical proportions. Hats off to anyone who got thru multple laps of that or even finished. I can't imagine doing 5 or 6 laps in after that. Great report Len E. I thought we (Cat 5) had difficult conditions - NOT.
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Re: Sterling RR - 5/8

Post by ddeitch »

Report from the >35/M4/M3 pace car:

The 5 race was pretty pedestrian from our view. Looked like a miserable group ride.
Things started to get interesting during the 4's. Coming down the first hill at 45mph into the wash, we couldn't see more than 10 feet off the bumper. All I could see of the police escort was flashing lights even though we were a car length out. Seeing the riders behind us was impossible. Turning onto 12, the pack charged out of the mist behind us. A Goguen tried to pass us on the right through the turn, but we could barely see him.
Further up 12, I glance in the rear view just in time to see a crash unfold. It looked like a scene from Das Boot as the rider splashed into standing water at 20mph. Heard from Rich P that he was ok. "Let's call it.....demoralized."
During the 3 race, conditions improved. Here's how it went down:
The break attacked decisively and stayed off the front. From there, it was attrition. Sunapee and Spinarts riders took a few turns at the front, but CCB's Wilichoski did most of the work. Once the break got to 1:05 over the pack, we lost our police escort and picked up the EDS truck. On Heywood rd, we ran up against the back of the women's caravan. I slowed to await orders from the W's official. Sunapee and Spinarts held behind the car, but Wilichoski crossed the yellow to shout at me from the left lane. We argued for a moment, then he went up the road past me a bit until I let him know that his race would be over if he continued. On the official's mark, we overtook the entire W's field at 40mph in the left lane. Scariest thing I've ever done on wheels. Spinarts was chewed up soon after, and it was down to two riders, CCB and Sunapee. As they passed the line to begin the bell lap, Sunapee looked down and fiddled with some equipment. Wilichoski attacked hard and was solo for the entire last lap.
Impressive performance, but his lack of character soured things a bit.
On happier note, reposting this from earlier:
Image
Like true spring hardmen, MRC grinning through the rain.
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Re: Sterling RR - 5/8

Post by PJ McQuade »

Interesting to hear that last report from the pace car. Funny how different things seem from the peleton. Found these pics online, not sure who took 'em, but there's a sweet b&w of Smudger.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/31309239@N ... 590149383/

Todd P also took some nice shots.
To climb steep hills requires a slow pace at first.
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Re: Sterling RR - 5/8

Post by Smudger »

swawersik wrote: 3. Scotsmen really are tougher than the rest of us. Must be the kilts...
Given all hypothermic activity at the weekend and my relative immunity this funny I got at work today seemed to be pretty apt:

40 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland go out and sunbathe.

35 degrees - Italian cars have trouble starting.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

20 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Scotland throw on their shorts and t-shirts.

15 degrees - Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go to the beach for a picnic and a swim.

0 degrees - New York landlords finally turn the heating on.
People in Scotland have a last barbi before it starts to get cold.

-10 degrees - People in Miami become extinct.
People in Scotland are still queueing at the ice cream van.

-20 degrees - Californians all now live in Mexico
People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.

-80 degrees - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone their winter survival exercise
until it gets cold enough.

-100 degrees - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Scotland wear a vest and rake out their bunnets.

-173 degrees - Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Scotland get angry 'cos they cannae thaw their whisky.

-297 degrees – Micro-biotic life starts to grind to a halt.
Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

-460 degrees - ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Scotland start saying "A bit hill billy ... eh? "

Wait for it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wait for it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wait for it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-500 degrees - Hell freezes over.
Then, and only then do Scottish people support
England in the World Cup
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